Just over three years ago my daughter was diagnosed and successfully treated for leukemia. Two years ago my twenty year marriage began to crumble. In the last 6 months, I’ve gotten divorced, sold a house, bought a house, and moved. You’d think I’d be miserable, right? I had those days. Overall, I feel incredibly lucky. I am happy and feel joy almost daily.
Because I am captain of my own ship. I am in charge of my life in a way I’ve never felt before. I ask myself what do I want. I sit in peace and listen to the cicadas. I reach out to friends and family. I feel safe and sleep well at night. After a trip through my very own personal valley of darkness, I’ve come to a deep acceptance of who I am.
Writing is the candle in the dark, the port in storm, the sane voice amidst the crazy even when I start writing in parables…
If God had sat me down and said “This is what I have planned for you. Your children will get sick, your husband will turn away from you. Fear not for I will be with you every step of the way.”
I would have begged, cried and pleaded for leniency. I would have said “God, I am not the one. I am not strong enough. I will falter. I will fall and not get up.”
“You will get up. You will persevere. You will become strong and yet vulnerable, fierce and yet loving, pained and yet joyful. Simply, now you are dead. Through this journey, I will bring you to life. Follow me.”
And I followed like a child, whining and complaining along the way.
I’ve been writing all along sometimes privately, sometimes publicly. It’s helped me cope, it’s helped me laugh, it’s helped me connect. It’s how I reach my most authentic self.