For my dear friend in what feels like an impossible situation.
I know you are tired. I can see you assessing just how much more you can take, see you wondering if you are getting too close to the point of losing yourself entirely. I recognize the clinical assessment when fatigue overwhelms emotion; you are placing weights on either side of a scale, assessing, balancing.
I want you to know that you can do this. When you are ready. When you’re ready to jump ship and swim away with your loved ones in tow, you will not be alone. It will not be you alone against the world in the sense that it is now – you against him. I promise you angels are walking among us waiting to be called into service.
You don’t have to have the next 20 years all figured out. See it as a jumping off point. When you’re ready, jump and start swimming in the right direction. You are entirely capable of handling shit on your own. Period. The fear that you can’t do it is in part manufactured by whomever wishes you to remain exactly where you are. Fuck that. You provided for yourself before and you will provide for yourself again.
Have faith in what brought you this far to take you further. Let go of trying to determine what it will look like. Hang on instead to what the future will feel like – safe, warm, connected, proud, accomplished, bad ass, the bomb. That’s right, it changes and builds. You will change and build right along with it.
It will look different, maybe less than what you or your kids are used to now. But different is not bad and less can be okay. It will be safe. You can be open. Love will be present. Your love, your kids’ love. There will be moments when that is all you need.
For the moments you and they need more, you will figure it out. One step at a time and with help. Take an odd comfort in knowing that you are not the first, and unfortunately, will not be the last. Pick a direction, take one steady stroke and then another and then another and then another…
When you’re ready, you got this.